Mum's story of her first C-section is a roller-coaster of emotions!

If there's one mum that tells it as it is, it's Laura Mazza. The mum of three and blogger recently gave birth to gorgeous baby boy via C-section. 

Her account of the birth is NOT for the faint-hearted or squeamish. It's as real as it hilarious. 

Arriving at the hospital for her elective C-section, she was greeted by "smiling women who resemble smurfettes in their scrubs."

"Get into the theatre room and it’s got more people than an over 30’s nightclub. Everyone is introducing themselves and what they do, but I only paid attention to the person with the drugs, her name was Emma. (I think)" 

Then it was epidural time.  

"Anyway, her and her mate held me over like a bent banana to insert my spinal. that needle went in and felt like it zapped my vertebrae and a**hole so hard I jumped. I think I actually shouted “oh yeah!” In relief that the pain wasn't THAT bad and they then informed me that was just the anaesthetic needle not the spinal… ha okay, that baby went in and it felt the way I imagine it feels when you’re fooling around and it accidentally slips to the exit point (know what I mean?) well that went in and a beautiful warmth spread all over my body, kinda like the feeling of too many tequilas and I snuggled into the bed." 

After the epidural started to work the catheter made an appearance. 

"I did feel touching though but no pain and felt them put a feather in my lady canal, which turned out to be a catheter. Seriously, catheters are underrated. I can’t believe I ever took the time to go to the toilet myself like some peasant when I could just carry a bag around and never be interrupted again."

And then the baby appeared, but not in the way Mazza was expecting. 

"I waited to see a baby that SURELY, just surely, resembled me. But instead they pulled this baby out with red hair and an angry old man face, and I turned to the nurse and said 'who’s that guy? He isn’t mine'… turns out that there was no denying him as he quite literally came from my body and his hands spread out like a messiah as he exited my abdomen crying, equally as shocked as me I imagine." 

But her birth experience wasn't over just yet. 

"Went up to my room where they informed I had lost 1.5 litres of blood (your body only has roughly 3.5 litres apparently) so they needed to give me some medication to help my uterus contract back to its original form. I was like yeah cool, no biggy. Except then she asked me if I wanted to do it or should she?

"Because the part I didn’t hear was the part it needed to go UP MY ASS. I said well, I can’t do it. I don’t know where it is! So she pushed me over and dry shoved 5 pills up my pooper shooter without offers of lube or a drink first. She literally did it so quick she did a burn out on my dirt track. I can tell you this was not okay. The pain in all of it was unbearable and I cried like Kim Kardashian. It was ugly. My uterus began to contract which feels like a thousand labour’s at once, so if you’ve ever only had elective c sections without going into labour, don’t worry babe, you’ve experienced it ten fold.

"So here I am, been in bed for so long I feel like the grandparents from Charlie and the chocolate factory, with my third child, a distorted vagina from previous pregnancies, and a stomach that begs the question, is she 7 months pregnant?

"My gut is hanging down like a croissant with a gash covered by a beehive bandage. While I hold a squishy warm beautiful baby who is gnawing on my nipples (that look bigger than my dreams) who’s sucking so hard that they are bleeding, cracked and look like a new brand of MAC lipstick. Who is probably wondering when this milk is actually coming (It’s coming baby it’s coming) who looks nothing like me at all (typical) but you know if you can’t laugh you cry, and I’ve been doing plenty of that.

"So even though I feel like a hubba bubba that’s lost all its flavouring and gone hard, I’m proud. 
I made life motherf*****rs! I am a queen. 

"Now to mother this child…." 

What an absolute boss! 

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