Irish single mum writes tear-jerking account of her depression
Michelle Ryan, a single mum from Dublin, has blown us away with the searingly honest letter she wrote to her one-year old baby son Joshua – who she credits with helping her through her long-term battle with depression and anxiety.
Breaking the cycle: A letter to my one-year old son
By Michelle Ryan
Dear Joshua,
A year ago, you decided to enter into this world. You weren't due until the end of March, but you arrived early for a reason. You knew that I was struggling. My anxiety levels were worryingly high. Let me explain why.
I had had a tough six years before your creation. I had succumbed to the Black Dog of Depression, time and time again, culminating with a hospital stay of four months in St Patrick's Hospital. During that stay, I decided that I wanted to break free from the vicious cycle I was caught in.
I had missed six months a year for longer than I could remember, as my Generalised Anxiety Order controlled my thoughts, and ultimately my mood. I have a worry problem, as oft people do… but alas, mine used to get out of control. I would worry about things that were unrealistic, and often, untrue. The mind is a powerful thing, and when I was anxious, my brain would convince me of the most horrendous things. When my worries became so great, and I revelled in catastrophising, I would shut down.
I would pull down the shutters on the world, and sadly, my family and friends. Communication would become an impossible task, including daily tasks like showering, eating and even dressing myself. I would consume myself with my worries, and hibernate away for months on end, afraid to face the big bad world, and the apparent normality of the rest of the human population.
Enough was enough
During my 2013 hospital admission, I decided enough was enough. A caring psychologist worked daily with me, helping me confront my worries, and realise how unrealistic my thoughts and fears had become.
I learned to identify my wellness tools, how to engage with them, and utilise them in times of need. I felt armed to face my next depressive episode. I decided I would take a career break from teaching, as unfortunately I had missed an awful lot of days due to being unwell, and had used up all of my sick leave…for the preceding four years. I had planned on studying art therapy, and looked forward to bringing that back to my teaching career the following year.
It was as that point I met your father. I mistakenly thought I had found my happily ever after. I foolishly rushed into an extremely serious relationship, and ignored warning signs that things were all not as they seemed. I thought I was madly in love, and believed that we were going to be together forever. What I didn't realise was that, unbeknownst to me at the time, I met your father to be granted the miracle that is you, and you are most certainly my happily ever after.
Staying well became my full time job
On the 22nd of July 2014, I found out I was five weeks pregnant, and paired with the delight of finding out about your existence, I also had other emotions. I was immediately taken off the one tablet I had been taking to ensure I wouldn't dip low that coming winter. I now faced my danger time of the year, with no medicinal crutch. I tried not to focus on that, and instead focused on staying well. My plans to study were shelved, and instead staying well became my full time job. Unfortunately, I didn't qualify for maternity leave, so financial problems were adding to the stacking pile of worries in my mind.
Your father left when I was twelve weeks pregnant. I instantly turned into panic mode. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, bar my best friend Clare who lived with me and my growing belly. Ironically, as someone who had volunteered with most mental health charities over the years, I was suddenly in dire need of them all. I presented myself at the door of Pieta House. It was a crisis point, and I desperately needed help to get out of my hole. I had fundraised for Pieta House in the past, and always marvelled at how they helped people, but it was only when I needed their services myself that I realised how amazing they are. I was welcomed to each of my fifteen free counselling sessions by a warm smile, candles, relaxing music, and chocolates. That was only the reception area. My counsellor worked tirelessly with me over the next few months and ultimately, saved both of our lives. I also participated in The Eden Programme, a Wellness programme run by Suicide and Survive. The same welcoming, caring, healing atmosphere was mirrored at that programme too. I was drowning in a sea of my own terrifying thoughts, and these two charities were literally the life ring that rescued me, and in turn, you.
Your beautiful healthy roar calmed my racing mind
At 2am on the morning of the 6th of February 2015, I felt flutters of pain in my back. I assumed they were Braxton Hicks – two hours later, they hadn't stopped. Thankfully I was staying with my Mum that night, and at 4am, I decided to call in to her room and tell her. She joined me in the room, with her notepad and paper, and took down the time my flutters started, and how long they lasted.
On examination, it turned out I was in full throes of labour, halfway dilated, and I was brought immediately up to our labour room. Despite this, I was still completely convinced it wasn't happening, and I repeatedly whispered to Monica mid-contractions, asking her could we just go home, as it was too early and they must be wrong! I think I must have been the most polite person in labour on record, as apparently I apologised after every contraction, and when my waters finally broke, I tried to clean up the mess in mortification!!
At 14.44pm that day, your tiny little head made its way out, and your beautiful healthy roar calmed my racing mind and assured me that you were very much alive and well. Surprisingly, you were a very healthy five pounds four ounces, considering your thirty four weeks gestation. Despite previous warnings that there was a strong possibility you were going to be whisked away from me straight away, I miraculously got to keep you for two precious hours on my chest.
You became the glue to piece it all back together
That was the turning point for the rest of my life Joshua. You are an absolute miracle, and I will be grateful every day for the rest of my life that I am your Mum. My heart was shattered into a million pieces before your arrival, and you became the glue to piece it all back together. You have given me a purpose, a focus, a reason to stay well. You are my world.
Financially, things have been really tough. I changed from the Illness Benefit to the Lone Parent allowance after you were born. Managing a mortgage, bills, the unbelievable cost of a baby, whilst being a single Mum on social welfare is near impossible. I had to change from the private health service to the Public Health Service, but remarkably, it has been phenomenal. I am attending my new psychiatrist regularly, and am currently on my second course run by the HSE. I have built a network of support around me, and I am no longer living in fear of the next time I'll be struck down by Depression, but I am instead looking forward to our future together.
Someone up there has had a hand in you Joshua. I have never met a little person of your temperament. You are the happiest, most content, placid, good-natured little boy. Not only that, but your personality is to be admired. Your sense of humour at your tender young age is unheard of. I know I'm biased, as your Mum, but anyone else who is lucky enough to cross your path says the very same!
You've already been in Temple Street more times than any child should be in a lifetime. Your underdeveloped lungs may continue to cause difficulty for you, but like everything that we have faced, we will do it together, and we will beat it.
My heart feels like it could literally explode
Joshua, I can't even put into words how much I love you. I never knew love like this existed. It almost hurts at times, as my heart feels like it could literally explode. I marvel at how you are developing, and at a remarkable rate. You started off slow, taking until you were six and a half months to finally reach your three month developmental milestones, but from that point on, there has been no stopping you.
I have to be realistic and admit that the Black Dog might return at some stage in your life. I endeavour to keep him at bay, and I have already put so many things in place to stay well. If the unwelcome visitor does arrive, our family will unite and we will once again get through it. I have a responsibility to you, and I will honour that forever. I look forward to returning to teaching in September after my two year career break, reassured in the knowledge that I have broken the cycle, and our future is safe.
Joshua, thank you. You have given me my life back, and together, we are living the dream.