Brave Irish woman shares her devastating story of suicide in a bid to help others
Suicide is a real, devastating issue in Ireland right now. And the question that’s oft-asked is: is enough being done to help prevent it? It’s not news that with the recession vital mental health services have either been cut, or not implemented in the first place, despite an obvious pressing need.
So when Michelle Ross got in touch with her experience, which shines a light on the full, heartbreaking effect of suicide on the family that’s left behind, as well as the gaping hole that clearly exists in this country’s mental health services, we knew we had to share it.
She is sharing her story to help raise funds for Pieta House, Ireland’s centre for the prevention of self-harm or suicide.
Michelle heard the devastating news that her younger brother Derek committed suicide on September 15th 2015.
“I woke up in The Galway Bay Hotel at 7.45am and switched my alarm off. Sounds nice doesn’t it…,” she wrote in her post.
“My phone rang a couple of moments later and my life was changed forever…..
My aunt’s name flashed up on my phone
‘Hello’ I said.
‘Michelle are you with anybody’ my aunt said.
‘No I’m down in Galway, is my mam ok’ I said.
‘Your mams fine…. oh Michelle’ Anne said.
‘What Anne, what’s wrong??’
‘It’s Derek, Michelle, he’s hanged himself’
‘Is he ok, is he still alive?’
‘No sweetheart I’m so sorry, he’s gone honey’
My whole heart literally shattered in pieces. I remember nothing more that was said after that, I crumbled to the floor, shaking like a leaf and howled. How I didn’t wake the whole hotel I do not know, I literally lay in a ball on the floor howling. I wouldn’t even call it crying because there were no tears. I was just screaming!!!
Derek had suffered with depression and struggled with drug addiction for quite some time, says Michelle, and after an initial suicide attempt, failed to get the help he needed – something Michelle is patently still angry about.
“He was disturbed,” said Michelle, “and advised by a doctor that was called to attend the hospital to speak with a psychiatric specialist. We all took him to the hospital that night and were sat in the A&E department for a few hours. He was finally called in and seen to by the ‘specialists’ and was in and out quicker than I had time to get a coffee.
“There was ‘nothing wrong with him’ they said. They couldn’t help him there. He was referred to his local GP/ Psychiatric care with a referral letter in his hands. I was in shock. My whole family were in shock. He was sent away after making an attempt to take his own life with a letter in his hand.
“The following morning I contacted the unit he had been referred to see when he could go in, and they said they had received the referral and gave me an appointment for him on the phone. It was for 2 months’ time!!!! 2 months, are you actually kidding me I asked. I kicked up a bit of a fuss on the phone and told them exactly what I thought. I couldn’t understand it. We tried and tried to get professional help for Derek at that time but all we ended up getting any sort of help from was counselors [sic]. That’s all that was available. We didn’t know where to turn to as a family, all we could do was encourage Derek to go for counselling which is what we done. He went for a one session and that was it.
“Help for people with Mental Health issues in this country is not readily available, in fact the mental health system in Ireland is an absolute disgrace, and Derek is proof of that. Our professionals sent him home and told us all there was nothing wrong with him… really?? Well then why is he 6ft under now? Derek could have been saved with the right professional help and I firmly believe this. He didn’t want to die. He had mental health problems, and with the right treatment and care he could still be with us today. We are just one of many families let down by the lack of support for people with Mental Health Issues.”
Heartbreakingly, Michelle and her family are proof of the devastation people who commit suicide behind. Their lives are now changed forever.
If only they knew what they were leaving behind,” she wrote. “Let me tell you what its like being one of many people left behind, affected and totally devastated by my brother taking his own life.
I cry, a lot. Mostly when I am alone. My own mind is now probably my worst enemy. I sometimes question my own sanity and pray that my mind will just STOP, stop making me think of things that I can’t bare [sic] to think about. Like last night, I lay in bed trying so hard to get some sleep but my heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my back, and my mind was playing out the moment Derek took his own life, it was as if I was there with him at the time and I was replaying a memory, I could see him gasping for his last breath. I just want it to STOP sometimes. Why is it so powerful, that it can play out something you have never seen or experienced. That’s what I mean when I say it’s my worst enemy at times.”
The most difficult & personal post i have ever writtenI want to do what i can to raise funds for Pieta House,…
Posted by NeedsnotWants on Tuesday, 8 March 2016
Michelle is calling on people all over the country to get involved with Pieta House, and Darkness into Light, the centre’s annual fundraising 5k walk / run. This year’s event is taking place on 7th May 2016 at 4.30am and you can register for your place HERE.
Alternatively you can make a direct donation to Pieta House HERE.
We can’t imagine the pain Michelle went through to write this piece, but we thank her for bravely sharing her story to raise this crucial awareness.