10 things you’ll do when you return to work after maternity leave
1. Have sniffle fear
Every sniffle, every teeny-tiny cough will engender pure FEAR, because if the baby’s sick, you’re not going to work. Those files will remain on your desk, you won’t meet the deadline and the company will lose a huge client. Eventually it will close down leaving hundreds of people out of work.
All because the baby had diarrhoea.
2. Make frozen dinners
You’ll bulk cook 3,000 frozen chilli con carnes because the last thing you’ll want to do is cook when you get home. A good idea, but one you’ll only keep up for a week or two. You’ll constantly argue with yourself about what’s worse: spending a whole precious day cooking – or doing it every day after work.
Such cruel, cruel choices.
3. Munch baby snacks
You’ll have got a taste for rusks and all manner of puffy baby crisps during your time at home. You’ll whip them out unashamedly in the canteen until your boss asks, “Why are you eating Liga for lunch?”
4. Go on a shopping spree
You’ll be so used to scrimping that as soon as you get paid you’re going to go a bit mad. Just this once you’re going to spend your wages with wild abandon and ain’t no one gonna stop you.
Besides, you need new clothes right? Right?
5. Have baby panic
You might be in a presentation, you could be dealing with a customer, but there will come a time you’ll panic all of a sudden and say, “Where did I put my baby?” You’ll be down on your hands and knees searching frantically until a kindly colleague reminds you the baby is safely being cared for and you’re in work.
Whoops.
6. Experience a tiredness like no other
You’re going to be wrecked. Wrecked! You’re now juggling a job and a baby, maybe other kids.
Our thoughts are with you.
7. Have numerous emotional outbursts
You’ll miss your baby. A lot. It’s a tough transition and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. How could it not be? You’re going from intense bonding with your new baby to being separated and thrust back into work. Tearful outbursts in the toilet will happen AND they’re normal.
Now come here and give us a hug.
8. Feel guilty
You’re a mother. Of COURSE you’re going to feel guilty. Guilt and motherhood go hand in hand like Starsky and Hutch, burgers and chips, Jack and Jill.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I be with my baby instead of listening to Trevor in IT? Am I a terrible mother?
Relax, you’re great. We said so.
9. Be covered in something icky
Before you become wise to it you’ll only notice when you’ve arrived in work that your top / skirt / trousers are covered in unidentified goo. Baby food? Jam? Puke? Who knows? Certainly not you.
10. Leg it out the door
Gone are the days you stayed back late to impress the boss. That ship has well and truly sailed. Now, the second the hand on the clock hits hometime you’re out like a shot.
You’re picking your battles wisely – you’d rather your boss be annoyed at you than your scary childminder!
What do you think mums? Have we got it spot on? What are your experiences returning to work after maternity leave? Let us know!