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máthair-milis · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 1:35 am

Sorry I have no experience of marital separation but if you did decide to leave you would have rights. You as a person are worth a lot - whether that's on your own or as part of a couple you are worth something to you and to your children.

Silkie · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 1:39 am

You know you need to get out of this marriage. You don't need anyone else to tell you that. You let him backin before, fair enough, unfortunately he hasn't proved his worth and bythe sounds of it, he won't either.

So cut your losses and start working on getting yourself and your kids into a better place (emotionally, mentally)

Hope you can stay strong and get through this

sooon · **Joined:** Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:48 am **Posts:** 721

When he left before did he come back because you asked him to? Could you ask him to move out for a while just to give you some space. I doesn't sound like he is trying to work on this or get your trust back. I know he can't dismiss the girl from her job but communications should be kept to a minimum. Its a pity you didn't reply to her that the reason you go through his emails is because of the situtation he has put you and her in. I really think you need to move on from this it doesn't sound like he has any intention of improving things.

Milly77 · **Joined:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:59 am **Posts:** 19

Leela · **Joined:** Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:24 pm **Posts:** 6968

Milly77 wrote:

then maybe she would leave..!

This Girl is not the problem, your DH is the problem.

I can understand wanting to have her out of your DH's office but why should she lose her job because of what he did to your marriage.

Silkie · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 1:55 am

Leela wrote:

Milly77 wrote:

then maybe she would leave..!

This Girl is not the problem, your DH is the problem.

I can understand wanting to have her out of your DH's office but why should she lose her job because of what he did to your marriage.

I agree.
What would you gain from doing this anyway, you still won't trust him and he still won't be trust worthy.

Milly77 · **Joined:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:59 am **Posts:** 19

You're right I know he is the root cause of all problems but ..what if he is trying to keep any communication to a minimum and she won't . I didn;t see him reply but she had emailed him first. so if she's got it into her head she onto a good thing maybe she's trying her best to get him to notice her again.I don't know what to think. I should confront her- why should she get away with her messing.

Leela · **Joined:** Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:24 pm **Posts:** 6968

Milly77 wrote:

You're right I know he is the root cause of all problems but ..what if he is trying to keep any communication to a minimum and she won't . I didn;t see him reply but she had emailed him first. so if she's got it into her head she onto a good thing maybe she's trying her best to get him to notice her again.I don't know what to think. I should confront her- why should she get away with her messing.

Confront her about what?

From what I can remember about the last time you posted, she went out with your DH when you were separated, unless you have concrete proof that your DH is now conducting an affair with her you have nothing to confront her about.

The email was sent to everyone in the office not just him, ok it wasn't the smartest thing she did but it wasn't exactly a secret email( only to your DH) was it?

Stop focusing on this girl, unless you have proof otherwise, she hasn't done anything wrong.

Milly77 · **Joined:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:59 am **Posts:** 19

Milly77 · **Joined:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:59 am **Posts:** 19

i guess its plain to see i'm very tired and emotional. thanks for the replies.

gertrude · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 2:27 am

From the girls perspective she couldnt really not include your dh in the email if he is a partner and if a few from his work are doing this event together.

Tbh i think there is always going to be an issue.
If this girl leaves his job you'll find someone else to focus on.

And, if it's right what leela says, that you were seperated at the time he dated this girl, technically he did nothing wrong, nor did she.
As ross would say "we were on a break".

Hope im not sounding harsh, just trying to give you another perspective on it.

Hungry · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 8:56 am

Apart from that one (pretty innocuous) email, how has he been behaving? If you were both working on having a good marriage, it doesn't sound like a reason to stop doing that.
I dont know what you mean by 'abuse' tho, if there is ongoing abuse then I hope you get sorted to leave him.
It does however sound like you dislike him and don't trust him. Have you done counselling?

polly13 · **Joined:** Sun Apr 05, 2009 11:11 pm **Posts:** 3769

You need to stop focussing on this girl - she did nothing wrong - your husband is the one with a wife and commitments not her. You have trust issues with your husband (and rightly so ) but you need to work these through with him and stop focussing on this girl - she is the symptom not the root problem.

I think you may have over-reacted to the email - it was sent to everybody in the company not just him so nothing sinister going on there.

You need to speak to your husband and maybe get him into some kind of counselling so you can work through your trust issues and so he can understand how much you have been hurt.

Gabriella · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 9:19 am

It sounds to me like you are not really going to ever be able to trust him again. You say if you went down the road of divorce he'd get his own way as he is a director of the company and they'd pay him extra. What do you mean by that? You are entitled to money no matter what. Try to keep copies of everything financial wise in case you need it in the future.

I think you know yourself for your kids and yourselves you can't go on living like this.

I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.

upsy daisy · **Joined:** Sat Nov 17, 2007 10:48 pm **Posts:** 6877

I really feel for you, it sounds like a nightmare and also that it is really starting to take it's toll on your dd.
I know you don't believe this or want to hear it but this is nothing to do with this girl, if it wasn't her it would be some other girl because by the sound's of it this man cannot remain faithful and be the man you and your children deserve.

Trust me when I tell you, you and your kids are better off without him than living like this. Having grown up in a house with an atmosphere constantly I can tell you it's awful and it will affect your children as teenagers especially if things don't change.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the strength to do whatever it is you need to do to become a happy family again.

Shoe The Donkey · **Joined:** Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:23 pm **Posts:** 8478

You have to get out of this relationship. You know by now that it is slowly destroying you. You are still fixated on this girl who technically did nothing wrong by going on a date with your husband while you were living apart. This is just going to go on and on and on. You will never trust him.

Your husband will have to support you and your children if you separate. I really hope you get the strength to leave for you and your children's sake.

Leela · **Joined:** Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:24 pm **Posts:** 6968

Here's your last thread about this. You got some really good advice here, maybe re-read it and see can you take any of the advice on board.

viewtopic.php?f=68&t=361245&hilit=DH+office+affair+job&start=72

Milly77 wrote:

no, to let you know, we were living apart but not legally separated at the time

But you were separated, just because you hadn't sorted out the legals on it doesn't mean you weren't separated.

Milly77 wrote:

She has done plenty wrong. She only went out with him because it seemed he had cash.He has no cash really too many loans.She nothing more than an opportunist.

Is this what you think or what your DH told you? You couldn't know what her reasons for going out with your DH were.

Milly77 wrote:

How can anyone condone that kind of thing ?

No one is condoning anything. Once again you are focusing on the wrong thing. This Girl is not the problem.

Milly77 wrote:

it's not my fault and I didn't ask or deserve for it to happen to me..I know I did nothing .. I washed, cooked, ironed and kept a tidy house with two los and for what for this !!

No its not your fault, its your DH's and until you can resolve your trust issues - if you can - you are never going to be able to move on from this.

This can't be good for you or the children, living like this with no trust, bitter and full of fear. As others have suggested maybe you should try some counselling, even if its just for you. It might help.

natus · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 10:52 am

Sounds like it will be nearly impossible to restore trust again in this relationship. I think you should start preparing yourself for legal separation and start getting evidence of his infidelity together. This will certainly help you in courts and he will have to support you and kids financially hopefully. I get the impression that you husband is doing well for himself (partner in a company?) so I don't know for sure by may be there are separation lawyers who will work on commission of what you get post separation? Would they be more likely to take you on as a client if have have clear evidence of infidelity?

Milly77 · **Joined:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:59 am **Posts:** 19

once again thanks for advice. unless you are in the situation it's hard to understand alot of this kind of trouble.
If I do separate I am sentencing my kids to a pretty miserable life {unless He gets his way it will be unbearable} IF I don't I not sure how I can go on like this anymore.

Moto Moto · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 2:16 pm

natus wrote:

Sounds like it will be nearly impossible to restore trust again in this relationship. I think you should start preparing yourself for legal separation and start getting evidence of his infidelity together. This will certainly help you in courts and he will have to support you and kids financially hopefully. I get the impression that you husband is doing well for himself (partner in a company?) so I don't know for sure by may be there are separation lawyers who will work on commission of what you get post separation? Would they be more likely to take you on as a client if have have clear evidence of infidelity?

Just to clarify courts wont give a shit if he had a affair or otherwise when it comes to it . Everything is allocated on earning etc how the marriage split is irrelevant to the judge .

As for the op i do think this relationship needs to end . If you had paid 5,000 already towards a separation most of the legal work must be done and surly its just a matter of going back to the solicitor and updating . If you solicitor i worth there salt you will get what's needed to maintain you and your kids because that is the law separation wont be as you say setancing your kids to a life of misery they seemed to be very unhappy also . Dont get me wrong you wont be as well off as when married and it will be tough but you will not be destitute .

Lumpy O'Reilly · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:41 pm

I think your children would prefer to have a happy mother than a paranoid one who spends her whole time fretting over whether her husband is unzipping his Mickey left right and centre.
Do yourself a favour and stop the cycle .

Gabriella · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:41 pm

Milly77 wrote:

once again thanks for advice. unless you are in the situation it's hard to understand alot of this kind of trouble.
If I do separate I am sentencing my kids to a pretty miserable life {unless He gets his way it will be unbearable} IF I don't I not sure how I can go on like this anymore.

I'm someone who grew up with parents that should've separated years before they did finally do it. for your kids sake you need to be happy and not just humouring him. You can't allow yourself to be held to ransom in case he is unbearable if he doesn't get his own way!

Imagine you read this thread that had been written by another poster. What would you think and what advice would you give them?

What would be your ideal solution to your problems?

elaine. · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:46 pm

Maybe she not after your hubbie? Dont mean to sound harsh..but whats it about him that makes him irrestistable? Surely she wouldnt go through all that aggro. Plenty of single unattached men out there.

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