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hard to write this down but I think I need to because I can't talk to anyone IRL. You might remember I posted a few months ago about trying to organise a date for our wedding, which was eventually resolved. The only thing is, I don't think I want to get married. I was delighted when DP proposed but I'm not enjoying the wedding organising at all. Even though it is going to be very small simple ceremony.
I don't understand what is wrong with me . I really love him, he is a super partner and father. Everything happened very fast for us - we aren't going out 3 years yet and have a 1 year old. I think my main worry is how he is with money. He has large debts with his business and is a bit 'head in the sand' about them. It's come up a few times, and after much encouragement from me he did seek help and is in a slightly better position than he was 12 monthsago. But I'm not sure I can take those debts on. at the moment it's fine because we have separate finances, and a joint account which he contributes to, and I am not involved in the business.
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with him, but I think for my own sanity I need to be distanced from his business - obviously our DS is our no 1 priority. I don't want to be constantly stressed out about debts that DP is struggling to meet (the solution would be to liquidise the assets of the business to meet the debt but as a family business DP doesn't want to do it and I don't want to ask him, so it continues to limp along. And even if the economy picked up I'm not sure it is likely to improve). At the moment I am the main bread winner and with no maternity leave I really worry about being able to have another child.

Does this make sense to anybody
And no couldn't even consider a prenup

PS please don't quote as will delete

scruffy when you want to marry someone you are making the commitment to stand by their side and be their partner through thick and thin.good and bad.a lifetime is a long time and anything can happen.
what i mean is that even if his financial state was good right now you just dont know what life will throw at you as a couple and you cant run away because its not ideally the way you want things to be when stuff happens or times are tough.
all i can say is if you truely love this man you could not imagine your life without him.
i think you really need to do some soul searching here.
are you sure you would marry him even if his business and money issues were not there.as you say things have happened quickly maybe you need more time.but if you are not sure please dont go ahead with it.can you imagine standing there on the day and saying vows you dont really mean? dont do that to yourself and your oh.you both deserve better than that.

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you can't pull yourself together until you've fallen apart.

do the decent thing show him what you have written here and take it from there . I wish you well xxx

Hi - in marriage you never know what may happen and what life will throw at you, that's what " in sickness and health...." is all about. But marrying someone with huge debts and taking those on is a different matter and one in which you are right to be wary of for your child and yourself.

If you marry you may/may not be liable for these debts, ( I am not sure of the legalities) but I would certainly throughly check it all out legally.

If your Partner loves you and wants the best for you, he will understand that you need to protect yourself and your child. Starting married life with huge debts IMO is not a receipe for success.

Wishing you the best,

Sullys

i understand what you are saying here sully.she would not be liable for his business debts unless she is named in the business as a director or co signer on a loan etc.obviously his earnings or lack of would impact on her lifestyle.
most people who married say 5years ago may have been earning more or had a successful business could now be unemployed or really struggling.i think if you regret marrying someone because of their financial status you may have married the wrong person or married for the wrong reasons.i think most married couples would realise that at anytime in their lives they may have money worries but will face them as best they can, the same way you have to face and deal with every other issue in your life and marriage.Together.
i mean do you think the op would be posting if she was worried he might be a millionaire?

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you can't pull yourself together until you've fallen apart.

Hmmmm....I found myself getting a little annoyed wheile reading your post and for that I apologise. I dont know you, and so dont want to judge you but I was in a simular position.

I am married to my hubby almost 11 years now and when we met were both in really good, well paid jobs, went on several holidays a year, regular new cars and didnt have to watch money really at all. Before we got married, he started his own business, which was paying a wage but less then before (so I was earning more then him) and then he proposed. I was of course delighted and didnt consider at any time that the business might not be successful as times were good. The business expanded, he took out loans etc and the business continued to do well, although paying him a wage less then before but we were happy and managing fine Slowly, things started to go a little quiet...then quieter but like you say, limp along! Then we got married

However, the business eventually suffered from massive tax and insurance hikes and the decision to shut it down was made. although none of the loans etc were in my name, I saw it that WE were liable for all the debts and it took us years to clear them all...but we did it! I never thought well, you started that business before we got married so the debts are all yours mate!

I guess what I am saying is, even though we had business debts coming out of our ears I didnt at any stage consider NOT marrying him...you marry for better for worse, for richer for poorer!!

I do urge you to really think about what you want (forget about the money) and then really discuss it with your DP.

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I guess it is how you read what the OP has written. I have read she loves this man very much but is nervous of taking on huge debt of which she has little involvement with, as it is a family business.

I think it is very different to taking on the debt of a business that is a going concern, or very different to marrying someone and the business dies.

IMO these are not like for like comparisons.

No, worrying about taking on huge debts is not the same as worrying if he was a millionaire. Would she be worrying about being a millionaire, I am afraid that does not make sense to me.

She has every right to be concerned about rushing into a big decision. Even an occassional glance on this site is very revealing as to how hard some people in this country are coping with huge debts and money worries. Not for the faint hearted is my opinion.

The base line is she is having second thoughts and that is something she will have to think hard about and discuss with her partner. Better now than later.

Sullys

They sound like reasonable concerns to me, many marriages run into difficulty because of money worries. If he has a history of being in denial about his financial issues it would be one I would be very keen to address head on before marriage also. Speak to him about your concerns and see what he suggests, perhaps talk with an accountant/solicitor about what you would be liable to pay should the business told once you are married.

I think if you love him and you are going into a marriage with your eyes open and the hard issues discussed you have a good chance of making a go of it.

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Thanks for the replies
Posting here was hard.

But it made me realise
1. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, debt or no debt

2. part of the not wanting to get married is not liking the whole wedding planning. My friend is getting married soon and is completely into the wedding planning I'm not (an understatement!) I remember someone here talking about her DP hating the idea of all the fuss of a wedding and I think she managed to organise a very very quiet ceremony successfully. I think when we have discussed the other issues I am going to have to address this aswell

3. I have spoken to him a few times about my concerns about the debts , and perhaps I should have made it clear in my post that I have wanted us to tackle them together- looking into me getting some short term better paid contract work overseas (difficult with DS but am willing to do it if it can help the business) to try and clear some of the debt. I know we will never be well off but I want to be sure I can keep a roof over our heads and to make sure DS is OK and the thought that the money I earn would go towards a debt and prevent that would really worry me.

I think DP finally realised yesterday what a big deal this is for me. Marriage is for better or worse but if we don't come up with some sort of plan we are going to be under huge pressure from the start. I want us to face the challenges life throws at us together but I need DP to stop putting his head in the sand for us to do that. There is no magic solution to the debts but he needs to either liquidise some assets/ talk to the bank/ make sure we are not liable personally, and I think yesterday he realised that. We are both going to think about things, and talk again later this week

I am hopeful we will get through this

You can have a marriage without a wedding. Just the 2 of you and your child in registry office. Simple and stress free.

Scruffy I'm sure you will get it sorted if you tackle it together.
Most small family business would have some debt.hopefully with a bit of restructuring thee business may recover.
Our business liquidated last Sept,we are both now unemployed.we have also faced infertility issues but I would not change a thing.I knew when I met my dh I would go to the ends of the earth to be with him and I know he feels the same.if you love each other you will always find a way to overcome the problems and worries.
Best of luck with the wedding.

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you can't pull yourself together until you've fallen apart.

I'm really surprised at some of the replies here! I think it is absolutely natural & sensible that the OP has concerns about her/their finances. She has had no part whatsoever in the creation of the debts, and so far seems to have no real say in how they are managed/resolved. Yet marriage to this man may well make her equally or partially liable for those debts. I think you would have to be very carefree/naive to take on the legal responsibility for someone else's debts, when you don't know for sure that that person will take the most sensible route to trying to resolve the situation.
Believe me, I have bitter bitter experience of a very similar situation (OP if you want to pm me on this please feel free), and if marriage was ever on the cards then I couldn't do it without seeing light at the end of the tunnel for our financial problems.

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Also think that your fears are totally sensible and natural. You need not rush into this. I think it's a great idea to first come up iwth a plan together and start working on that. You can always get married a few years down the line when you are in a better position financially. You are absolutely right to have reservations about this if you are not comfortable with it. Go with your gut.

Remember that the OP has a child so it's only natural that she wants to ensure she's not in a WORSE position after marriage for the sake of her child. I for one thing that's normal and healthy. It's okay for her DP to say he doesn't want to liquidate the assets to pay off debt - I get that - but if it puts her child's home or future at risk, she needs to be concerned.

OP- it sounds like your DP is taking things seriously now. Good luck.

The OP has a child and has responsibilities. Her concerns are very justified. It's all very well to throw caution to the wind and marry for richer and poorer etc., but where there are children involved, it is irresponsible not to consider the consequences. Putting a child's home and future at risk is not a decision to be taken lightly.

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DD1 (9), DD2 (7.5),DS (6)

Tbh I don't think she's actually worrying as much about the debts, but her dp's attitude to the debts... Yes, crappy things can happen in marriage, but it matters if you handle them together or not. If she feels he prioritises a family business over them or he puts his head in the sand at problems, they are very legitimate concerns.
And we all know finances do put pressure on a couple, he might be glad to to have her debt-free status there...

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