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I have a friend who visits her brother from england every summer. she spends two nights with me and she does my head in. She never stops talking and bragging which gets on my nerves. I usually feel exhausted when she is gone and we dont have any fun together. She is my oldest friend but I suspect we are only friends because she doesnt live in this country. I am already dreading her telling me when she is coming over this summer and i feel that friends are few and far between so I should just let her stay (giving her a break from her sister in law and brother) and put up with her. I would feel mean if I didnt let her stay. I dont live in the same county as her brother so she cant just come for a day.
Do I put her off this year or let her stay, I cant say anything to her cos she is just being herself and i cant think of a way to say she is getting on my nerves.

If you feel that way about her I don't see how you could regard her as a friend at all. So why would you feel mean? You clearly no longer like or respect her so why put yourself through something you don't want to do?

Look, if you feel that you can`t cope with her tell her that you`d rather give it a miss this year. Just say it doesn`t suit and leave it at that. Honestly, life`s too short. Be brave and stand up for yourself cos no one else will. Good luck x

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Thanks girls. While I was typing the yoke it struck me that she didnt sound like a friend at all. She is quite pushy and phones me from england a lot and goes on and on and on ..... and shows no interest in me at all. I will bloody tell her she cant come this year. I just needed it validated. You are right - I need to stick up for myself. DH is no help as he says he doesnt mind her coming and likes her but then he doesnt spend much time with her. She is also very embarrasing when we are in public bragging in a loud voice and being irritating to waiting staff when eating out by making them stand while she reads and re reads the menu when we have all ordered and then ordering and changing her mind etc. We were given free cocktails in a restaurant and she sent it back asking for sth different when it was given free in the first place.

Ditch the Bitch

(Joke before anyone kills me)

for femalevictormildrew - thanks for that, gave me the best laugh ever - true and nicely said.

+1 on both these sentences
Is that a +2 then?

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What I would do is wait until she makes contact with you and then when she has said that she is coming over to visit, tell her that those dates don't suit you for her staying but you would love to meet her for a meal or maybe for drinks when she comes over. Leave it at that.

Update: Please help. she is now texting me asking me when I am available for a chat. I keep putting her off saying im out or have visitors but she wont take the hint. I dont really want to tell her to f off but wish i had the nerve to. Please tell me what to do. I dont want her ringing me and blabbering on about herself for an hour of my precious time.

Well if you don't even want to talk to her, sounds like you want rid once and for all. Definitely not your friend the way you are talking about her. Just ignore the texts and calls if that's the way you want to do it. Or talk to her and be honest and 'break up' the friendship with ' I feel we have grown apart '

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My Snow White, 6
My little Tinkerbelle, 3

Why not just take a call, and tell her that you think you have both outgrown your friendship, that ye really don't have much in common anymore blah blah"
But, if you can't find a way to verbalise how you feel, just ignore her texts/phone calls and let it go.

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Keep your heels, head and standards high

I feel for you noolsg. I'm crap at confrontation as well. I had a "friendship" very like the one you describe and in the end, after many years of crap I just did the "ignore all calls and texts" thing until she eventually asked me outright if I was avoiding her. I said yes - and told her why. She went completely ballistic and sent me loads of really vicious texts and emails until I blocked her online and via O2. Then she started sending them to my DH! He said he was forwarding them to the gardai and that put a stop to it. Have had no contact now for years and my life is so much nicer Just take the bull by the horns. You'll be glad you did.

+1 to the above

thanks, I'll opt to ignore her until she catches me. My dh will not back me up here, he thinks she's all right and if he answers the phone he'll chat to her and won't lie to her for me. Maybe I could take the phone and pretend Icant hear her. I wish I had the guts to say I dont want to be friends with her any more, but I really dont want to get into a discussion with her. she is very boring. why cant she just take a hint and make my life easy

Because she has been your friend for years, she doesn't know you now dislike her and she is ringing to talk to her friend - that's why she's not taking the hint. Look, you're an adult. How would you advise your kids to deal with this? Would you tell them to be cowardly or mean and treat someone badly or would you ask them to be mature, and decent?
If you don't want to be her friend tell her so. Explain that you find her behaviour to waiters etc embarrassing or that you find it a strain to have her staying. But don't do this ignoring crap- its hurtful and cruel.

Plus one to babybird.

I think you are behaving very badly and approaching this with the maturity of a eight year old. Grow up and talk to her.

I agree. Easier to ignore her but not the right thing to do to someone you've been friends with for so long.

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Mammy of 4

Sorry but I think I disagree with babybird. I agree that the OP should do something to end the friendship but surely she doesn't have to give the soon to be ex friend a list of faults/reasons why?

I can't be the only one who would absolutely hate if a friend told me I embarrassed her in front of waiters and for that reason she would prefer to terminate the friendship. I mean maybe saying this would make the friend change her behaviour for future friendships but I doubt it - it would only hurt her. If you are going to end the friendship anyway, why tell a few hometruths at the end? the only reason I could see is if you were planning on staying friends but wanted her to change some behaviour - that is fine but saying to someone "I don't want to be friends with you anymore - because you are a loudmouthed, vulgar person (or whatever)" just seems cruel. I'd try to construct a sentence/sentiment that stopped at "anymore"

Fair point Overhere. I was more envisaging the conversation going along the lines of different interests, nothing in common, it's not you it's me kid of conversation. The polite version.

yeah that's how I'd see it Novbaby31 - its not you its me (meaning, I'm just not that into you )

I do think things like the waiter story etc. are better dealt with at the time unless it is out of character - as in saying to her "you know I kind of find it embarrasssing when you do that with waiters" is a lot less hurtful and possibly useful than saying something months later when terminating the friendship.

Agree here too . The less said the better but don't just ignore her. Even if you were to tell her you couldnt have her to stay on the dates she is home. How far does her brother live fom you? Maybe you drive to meet her there for a day? Is that possible?

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Mammy of 4

Agree completely with this. That's the way it was for me anyway in the instance I described above. There was a lot more to it than "we'd grown apart" or whatever. There was a lot of downright shitty behaviour from her towards me after my first baby was born and stuff changed in my life. BUT we'd been friends for over ten years and I didn't want to have a row, I just wanted to back away quietly. I believe that she knew that, and instead opted for "let's have a row" instead, because that's the thing that would give her closure, IFKWIM.
The OP probably has more going on with this friend than she's written down here, you don't just want to end a long friendship without good reasons, but if she's the type of person who hates and avoids confrontations, then that's fair enough in my book.

Simple as....feel the fear and do it anyway. Take her call or write a letter but ignoring it is agony

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EUmom Jill2

thank you all for your replies. In the end I took on board all that was said and decided to tell her I dont want her in my life right now. I felt awful but also feel relieved to have told her. I said I have a lot on my plate at the moment and need space. she said she'll wait for me to text her again - I'm glad it's over and btw I did confront her at times over her behaviour like in the restaurant and she didnt care