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Just reread this whole thread! I love it! It's absolutely hilarious! I've laughed so much I think I've pulled a muscle in my side

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DD June 06
DS1 Nov 09
DS2 Sept 12

This thread never fails to make me giggle out loud

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This is the funniest thread ever!!!!!!

i had to add mine......after I had given birth I was brought back to the public ward and I was in the middle bed. Well the farting!!! i just coudlnt stop - it went on for hours. So much so i went out to the nurses to ask what was wrong with me!!! As i had 3rd degree tear i had no control over them and let one go in the face of a nurse as she checked my stitches!!!!!!! Im red now even typing this!

There's a woman working here and when she was in labour, I don't know what drugs they gave her but she thought she was on a plane and was actually standing up on the delivery table trying to slam shut the over head compartment. The midwife was trying to pull her back down on the bed and she was convinced she was putting luggage away up there!

As for me.....
DS was turned the wrong way and stuck so had to be turned and I roared at the doctor "YOU'RE FUCKING PUSHING HIM BACK IN!!" Afterwards i was trying to make friends with her so when she was sewing me up, I told dh that she was going to sew it up better than before and Jordan had to pay to get this procedure done!

I actually thought I had nothing to add to this thread!

In the labour ward on dd2 there was a woman in the bed next to me delivering. I had been sucking on gas & air for about an hour at this stage so was high as a kite! The woman obviously did a poo while pushing and I shouted out to DH "The smell of sh*t" - I was so Mortified afterwards - I pooed while having dd1 and was morto enough without having someone shout it out! I never saw the girl again and hope to god I never do after shouting that out!

I also told the anaesthiest (sp?) that he could learn all out sex from my cosmo which he was looking at the cover of when he was with me! DH nearly died!

Jaysus, I definitely won't be sucking on that gas and air this time. Don't think I pooped last time but it was one of my fears. Certainly didn't smell anything Oh help, hope I don't do anything embarrassing
Great thread though

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Mammy of 4

LOL I don't blame you!!!

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Mammy of 4

Oh I did a few embarrassing things this time round.
First up I took a massive dislike to my own toes, jeez I couldn't look at them, anytime I caught sight of them I made DP hide them with the sheet, I was doing like kinda pretend crying at one point and DP asked what was wrong and i was wailing "my toes, I can see my toes" lol

Also thought I could hear a radio on, made DP check the while room for one as "those two gobshite dj's are pissing me off!" There was no radio.

After giving birth, needed a massive amount of stitches, kept saying, make me like a teenager again , make it pretty etc etc, was on the gas and air again for this so was whacked out if it. Also thought the midwife doing the stitching was a student so kept saying patronising things to her like, "have u done this before, ah sure we all have to learn, i remember a student i worked with she was rubbish" she wasn't a student. I also kept "whispering" to DP about her.

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Reach high, think big, work hard, have fun! 

Oh god literally have tears streaming down my face from page 9 alone, will have to go back and read the rest of it !

Im five days over and really fed up but im pmsl at that. Sorry but its cheered me up

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Just had ds3 three weeks ago and nothing funny happened during the labour but dh just reminded me that right after he was born and the midwife held him up for me to see, I shouted 'god that's the biggest pair of testicles I've ever seen'.

DH is having a great time telling all his friends what I said.

this is brilliant...just posting so it goes into my view your posts (so i can read it next March just before i go into labour!!)

On DD1 I poo'd
On DD2 I tried to dig the head off the obs when he did an exam ( he was trying to break my waters on the sly I think). The nurse caught my wrist just before I reached his face.
I wouldn't hurt a fly normally but I don't think I would have felt remorse if I had digged him.

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When getting the epi I was only at 2cm and the pain was mental...i'd been induced. I thought the midwife made a face and roared I don't CARE if you think I'm a wuss I'm still getting it! TG she went off duty soon after.

Dd was in distress so they did a scalp test on her while she was inside. Thankfully, i'd had the epi at this stage cos they made me lie on my side and insert a big long needle into me to take some blood from her head...i did the biggest fart ever in the cons face then said Sorry in a really sorry voice. Then turned to DH and "whispered" I'm not really sorry cos that was soooo funny! He was morto!!

Then got emergency CS and a lovely South African nurse was beside my head the whole way though and instead of being worried about DD i questioned her and questioned her on SA and why she came to Ireland!!!

On DS1 after giving birth I felt more stuff coming out and I was roaring 'I'm pooing, I'm pooing' and I was almost in tears I was horrified - and the consultant pointed out it was the placenta and I wasn't in fact pooing.

And I needed stitches and he was stitching away for ages and I asked how many was I having and he answered 'one - one long one' - that still doesn't make me laugh!!

On DS1 DH began to faint at the very last stages, just when I was giving birth and the midwife whipped the stool the doctor was sitting on (down at the 'business' end) so DH could sit down - poor doctor was on his hunches for the rest of the journey. Then when DS was born and taken over to that small table they have for the baby, I could see DH starting to sway and next thing I hear the midwife shouting 'get the father down, get the father down' and there they are, surrounding him so he doesn't crash to the floor!!!!

On DD we were waiting to check in at reception and DH was there doing his 'breathing' with is head between his legs! So not so embarrassing for me, more so for him!

On DD I kept insisting I had to pee.

The MW kept telling me it was just pressure. Of course I didn't believe her and insisted she bring me to the toilet. So on we all went to the toilet, everytime I got a pain, I stopped and shouted at the MW to rub my back, DP was morto!
So got to the toilet didn't pee at all but insisted to everyone that I had.
Got back to the delivery room and refused to get on the bed. I wanted to stand. So the MW comes over with this massive pad thing (they're usually on the bed) to put under my feet in case my waters break.
There she is crouched down under me fixing the giant pad and I get the urge I just couldn't help it, before I knew what was happening I had pee'd all over her head!
DP said when she got up I just looked at her and said "Told ya it wasn't pressure" and went on sucking my gas and air! He said he wanted to crawl into a hole

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Can't stop laughing at this one,the poor woman!

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Sometimes, you're making so much noise in your life you don't hear the things that really matter. Like the shattering splinter of hurtful words, the quiet erosion of trust, or the breaking of a heart that makes no sound at all.

on DD1 i had a very long labour, when i was in the delivery suite i had 2 midwives, both had brown hair tied up and glasses, but one MW had a fringe. i was on the gas n air and remember getting very woozy, seemingly at one stage i just lay there giggling and smiling at a MW standing at end of bed. when she was finished talkin i asked her how did she do that? do what says she, talk without moving your lips i was full sure the MW was talking but it was the other one behind me. also on same delivery i started giving out to DH, saying things like come on, u now wot i mean, just read it, for god sake!!!! all the while moving my eyebrows up and down because afterall he IS ABLE to read my mind, i just couldnt understand why on this particular day he couldnt read my mind. last thing i remember happening was chatting about some stuff i had to bring back to pennys and i couldnt find the receipt obviously another crazy moment

when i went in to have DD2&3 i was fearful to what i might imagine but funny enough it wasnt what id imagine more so what i would say, at one point since it was a twin delivery i had 14 people standing at the end of my bed and i polietly asked were they having a good look at my fanny DH was so ashamed

after DD2 was born and on the baby table, MW was holding my tummy and doc trying to stop DD3 from turning and doc burst my second waters, OMG the pop was so loud i was sure DD3 has flown across the room lol, poor doc was covered

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DD1-7 DD2-4 DD3-4

did that as well! and I nearly tore DH ear pulling it to death while screaming hahaha.

Ha ha That is just so so funny!!! I am crying laughing here in work

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Have really enjoyed reading this thread!

I still blush when I think of giving birth to baby no 2 - mainly because I spent the entire time saying 'I don't want to do a poo', 'I'm scared to push because I might do a poo'. Not sure if I did one at all, I'd rather not know.

The gas and air is a strange thing. I didn't stop sucking it so thankfully I didn't have an opportunity to say anything more embarrassing, but remember my teeth were clenched over the mouthpiece, and I kept running my tongue over it and thinking to myself I must have had a brace fitted to my teeth or something - I couldn't figure out what it was.

Crying laughing here reading these!! oh jesus hillarious!!

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Mum to 3 gorgeous kids

DD1 is 7
DD2 3
DS 1

On DS1, I was completely out of it with the pain and had been asking for an epidural forever (I'd been in very slow labour for a full day and night and hadn't slept). When I eventually got one and had calmed down a bit, I turned to the anesthetist and asked if he had an account at the stockbrokers where I worked.

On DS2 I pooed but I had been telling everyone that I needed to go but no one would listen. I also had a very young and very skinny midwife. When it came to the pushing stage, she told me to push my leg against her and I just couldn't do it, I was convinced I would push her straight over. I'd say she must have realised because another (less skinny) midwife came in and I was happy to push against her.

DS3's birth was the best by far but the funniest thing was after 2 pushes his head was out but when they told me I didn't believe them and turned to DH in disbelief and checked with him! I was convinced the midwife was lying to me. In my defence, the previous 2 times,it had taken an hour each time to just get the head out.