MagicMum.com

Hi mums,

my dds dad comes to see her every second wkd for an hour or so on a Fri and about 2/3 hours on a Sunday (this is with his other child too so focus is not on her). This is in my house and he only calls coz it suits with the court order in place for his other child. He says he is not available any other time. He has never just come down to see her. I am really sick of this. He never rings, hardly texts and had nothing set up for her. He can't drive with her as he drives a commercial vehicle (and that seat is for his other child!) and he won't spend an acceptable amount of time with her so she can bond with him. Can i refuse him seeing her unless he does so properly? All he is doing is confusing her at this stage. He floats in and floats out without a care to the effect on her.

I am going to be honest here as I was in a similar position a few years ago. This article is treating you like a complete doormat ! Nothing more, nothing less, just a doormat!

'Floating' in and out as he pleases for as long/little as he feels like... shur he must be delighted with himself.

Here is what I did:

Attempted to reason with ex and drew up a relatively flexible access arrangement that suited BOTH of us.
This worked for a very short time. Ex was ok at the start but old habits crept back very quickly.
I organised mediation. Again, ex attended ONE session and that was it.
Counselling... again one session for ex and no more!
I also spoke with his family etc.

Anyhow he gave me the two fingers time and time again. It took me a while but eventually I was left with no option but Court. I guess what I am saying is try everything (keep records) last stop court.

Good luck.

_________________
Smiley2

Thanks for the reply. Tbh I have tried to be available any time he can call to see her for her sake but its just confusing her now. I proposed through email what i thought would be best so my dd could bond with him and then be comfortable going out with him etc but he won't reply. He just keeps texting saying i won't let him see my dd unless he agrees to my proposal. Its only 3 hours a wk for gods sake, its not exactly much. But he won't agree. He never rings and any time we talked about it b4 he has assured me he will change and make time but here we are almost a year later and no change. I am terrified if i go to court they will force me to make my dd go for wkds every second wkd when she doesn't even know him or his family. I always wanted her to have a good relationship with him but he won't bond with her and spend time with her so she is comfortable with her. As you can imagine i am really upset over this. Surely a judge would not be impressed if he was refusing to see her every week........................do dads not usually go to court to try to see their kids as much as possible????

No great advice, sorry, but I'd imagine most judges have seen a lot over the years and are very good at seeing through people like him.

I would do anything to stay out of court TBH I have been down the court road before and am in limbo at the moment if you've seen my other thread but my situation is very different. Over the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my exes behaviour though. I think he should either want to see his child - or not. I have another child and am still with his father and my DP says if we split up he would run through fire to see his son, whereas my ex doesn't want to see DD. He badmouths me round the town (we live in a small town) and gives everyone he talks to a big "oh poor me" story but he's had more chances than he deserved and proved then that he didn't give a s**t.

I'm guessing your ex thinks that by going to see your DD when he has his other child with him is that it's a way for him of "filling in the time" that he has to spend with his other child because of the court order And maybe he thinks it will be good for both children to know one another. He probably thinks he's getting off lightly in that he doesn't have to put in too much effort with either child if they just play together.

ETA to answer your question, you technically can deny him access but you could end up in court over it and it could get very messy and expensive However, you could occasionally have something to do on the days he proposes coming round, so he couldn't expect that you will always bend over backwards to accommodate him.

_________________
DD 2001
DS 2007
#3 ETA Autumn 2013

Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many

Life is an ocean, love is a boat, in troubled water, it keeps us afloat

Things are getting ridiculous now. He will not reply to my email of a proposal to build up a relationship with my dd. He only wants to see her now and again. I am NOT agreeing to this anymore as its just confusing her. So he started to abuse me through text msgs, threaten to stop maintenance so eventually i said he can either deal through me or my solicitor. I haven't heard from him since that. What do I do now...........wait for a solicitors letter, wait for him to withdraw maintenance. I am so upset over this. I could hardly talk all day or i started crying. I have suggested him coming to see her for 3 hours every Sunday for 6 weeks, then he can take her out for 2/3 hours for 4 weeks and then when we see how happy she is look at going for an afternoon every week and build up to overnights every second wkd or whatever. He says he can't afford the diesel to come and see her. But i remember when he had a similar situation with his other child and he would jump through hoops to see that child whenever he was allowed. I am so drained from all this stress and the thoughts of work tomorrow is killing me. Sorry for the rant but i really don't know where to turn. My family and friends are not suprised at him so don't really understand why i am so upset. Apparently i shouldn't expect anything more from him.

Gj72 I feel for you girl,

not a whole lot of advice really...

as far as I know you cannot take your ex to court to 'force' him to see his DD. I know of a number of cases similar to yours

where the mother was advised to STOP/CUT all access. Then the ex has to apply for access through the court. Either way

it is not easy. Maybe contact your solicitor again? What about his family? do you know/trust them well enough to maybe

let DD spend some time with them?

Chin up.

Smiley2

_________________
Smiley2

Thanks smiley2, i contacted them b4 and they kind of replied without saying anything iykwim, and they have never come to see her. Don't know whether to bother contacting them again. My dd doesn't know them either. Her dad is suggesting i am stopping him seeing her because i won't let him wander in and out whenever he pleases. I am just terrified if he goes to court i will be made force her to go when she doesn't know him. She is only 14 months. I just hate when he is refusing to organise his life so he can see her and he is saying its my fault. But he won't say he doesn't want to see her. He is making it look like its me.

Thanks for the reply anyway. Nice to get some response so i don't feel 100% alone in this.

xx

Gj72, where does he live? I could really give him a good shake

You are trying your best and it reads that he is acting like a complete baby.

Here is another possibility: Send him a registered letter (keep a copy) outlining the access arrangements. Maybe print off a

calendar, for say a month, and fill in the dates and times etc. Ok so you are now spoon feeding him but at least it will be

clear. Make it very clear that in no way are you stopping him from seeing his dd but ‘floating’ in and out is no longer an

option. My experience has been that some men will take this as being dictated to and the usual hostility generally follows.

Maybe if you can find it in your heart to say something like: you will only consider pre-arranged changes?? Am I making any

sense? I feel for you it..... can be so bloody stressful.

Chin up…

Smiley2

_________________
Smiley2

Oh god this idiot is really turning up the heat..........

He agreed in the new year to increase maintenance by 40Euro in Feb. He increased by 20 for the past 2 wks and then today went back to the old amount.....it isn't court ordered.

What the hell do i do now???? This excuse for a father hasn't a clue about responsibility or how much children cost. I work full time but not or a very big salary. He knows he is screwing me over but threatens if i go to court he'll make the figures look like he earms less (his company) and i get less than i do now!

I'm worn out trying to survive!

To be honest I think you should speak to your Solicitor.

Citizens Information also offer a free consultation with a solicitor.

Check http://www.citizensinformation.ie Click on 'Find an address'. You will be able to locate nearest office to you.

_________________
Smiley2

Thanks smiley2, i think i have no other choice. I'll end up in debt within a few months if he continues this. So unfair!

Thanks again x

Hi I know this is an old post but I food myself in a slightly similar situation and just wondering how you got on ???

Many thanks
X

Hi luvmum, we ended up in court and he did exactly what he said he would. He was even allowed to include cigs snd solialising as expenses. Judge said they werent allowed but didnt increase maintenance. He has two kids and although both mums have very different financial situstions he said both get the same. His maintenance doesnt even cover 4 half days in daycare!! So it didnt go well really. Hope u have better luck x

That's crazy just because he has 2 kids you both automatically get the same amount?? Was there anything said about access in court? Has he gotten any better regarding regular access??


So frustrating for you !