MagicMum.com

Early morning, DH leaves Cork for a meeting in Galway. Bean and sick DD hanging out. Around 12.00 Bean has impromptu 'chat' with bump. “Hello kiddo. Thank you for hanging tight until your Daddy’s got to this important meeting. So, from here on –any time is good for you to arrive. S’up to you little man.”

1.00pm- waters break.

Bean phones DH. Dh roars “I’M COMING!” and hangs up. Bean rings Best friend. They agree she has plenty of time yet since this is her first labour. (DD was prescheduled section) It probably won’t happen for hooooooooouuuuurssss. Best friend says, “When you can’t talk through a contraction then it’s time to get to the hospital pronto.”

35 minutes later Bean rings Best Friend.
“…………..”
Best Friend “I’M COMING!”
Bean resumes silent litany of “Ohshitbuggerybugger” while clumsily popping on a Peppa Pig DVD and saying, “here’s some lunch honeybunch you sit here and be a good girl while Mummy pops upstairs for a little while’.

Best Friend and her DH arrive. Bean upstairs on all fours having an unintelligible chat with a pillow.

BF drives Bean to hospital. On the way Bean re-enacts sweaty-palm-on-window love scene from Titanic.

Arrive at hospital. Bean experiences first internal. Even in throes of contraction Bean gives out to midwife for further discomfort. Midwife apologises but congratulates Bean on already being 7 cms. Bean proud of self for speedy dilation. Bean demands epidural. Bean told it’s too late as already 7 cm. Bean furious with self for speedy dilation.

Bean meets midwife in charge of her labour. She appears to be 14 years old. Min-wife proceeds to spend the next 2 hours refusing to make eye contact, preferring to stare between Bean’s legs with an expression akin to pure horror on her unwrinkled face. Bean wants to kill her, but hasn’t the energy.

Bean’s Dh FINALLY arrives and completes one lap of honour around the room before helpfully passing out cold. He lands face down in the middle of a stunned clutch of antenatal women on their pre-labour hospital tour. DH’s prone body is swiftly surrounded by a team of doctors trying to wrestle him to A & E while Bean-in-stirrups roars “DON’T YOU BLOODY WELL LEAVE ME AGAIN!!!!”.

DH makes speedy recovery and resumes bedside position, only to get punched in the face by Bean while attempting to administer ice chips. Bean later claims no memory of said event. Declares Gas & Air a complete fiasco. Bean continues interminable pushing.

Bean continues interminable pushing.
Bean continues interminable pushing.
Bean continues interminable pushing.

At long last a nice man comes and performs episiotomy and suction. Bean loves this man. Bean asks if he has any children. Man looks awfully surprised and asks why? Bean says she thinks he’ll make a lovely Daddy and stifles desire to kiss the top of his head. Bean realizes gas and air does nothing for pain – it simply improves ones manners.

Finally, 4.5 hours after waters breaking DS arrives into the world, and, in accordance Bean’s Birth Plan is placed on Bean’s chest for her to commence loved up maternal bonding. Bean looks at the purple, mucky thingy and says - “Yuck.”
Bean demands toast and tea.

(PS - I did bond with him about 10 minutes later. Which is just as well as one really needs to love a person who craps all over the place, doesn't like sleeping and pees in his own ear.)

Brilliant!! ROFL

Congratulations!

Congratulations!!
Skye x

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Oh Bean that's the best post ever!

Congratulations!

And how the hell can you be so funny on no sleep?!!!

Bean, Thats HILARIOUS

Sorry I know it's your labour/birth of your DS but just how you've wrote it!!!

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DD - Feb '06
DS - April '07

Well told story!! Very funny!

Congrats on the birth of your DS

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DD June 06
DS1 Nov 09
DS2 Sept 12

Best Birth Story EVER on MM. Fact! I love it.

Congratulations Bean x

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"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience" - Doug Larson

pmsl here , thats a brilliant honest story

congrats

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You cant scare me, I have children

Bean LOL , hurt my section staples laughed so much !!!

Maria xxx

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Proud Mammy to 4 bubbly little men

Oh congrats Bean and DH on the arrival of your DS.

What a post. Fantastic. Read it out to DH and we're rofl.

Congratulations on your baby boy that birth story is the best ive ever read mines was very boring compared to that

Brilliant birth story well done all involved, how is poor Dh now

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Mum of 4 little Angels.
"Heartbreak is life educating us".

That is the best!!

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O thats story is so funny Congrats .

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My Beautiful DD is 3yrs old xxx

excellant, congrats

Fantastic!!

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We do not speak of the new Doctor........for I am staying blissfully in denial!

When thoughts become actions, goals become reality.

Fantastic Bean!!!


Would love to have been a fly on the wall

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Mini-*mum to 5*


Very Proud of My Large Family


Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

Best birth story ever PMSL

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DD1 is 10
DS is 4
DD2 is 1

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr Seuss

wow wee...congrats bean...what a story...had me in stitches!!

Well told!

Congrats!!

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Proud mum of 4 boys and 2 little girls

When they placed you in our arms, you slipped into our hearts.

Thankyou for sharing your story...certainly cheered me up. Very well told!

Congratulations Bean . xxx

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DD1 - 7
DS - 2
DD2 - 1

Our Angel Sian born @ 37 wks and our M/C's - Never forgotten xx



42lb gone since 29th April 2010

Well done Bean for safe arrival of little bean - that has to be the funniest birth story ever

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And this must be the prime of life..
P.Larkin.

That is without doubt the best funniest Birth Story I have ever read

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Literally laughing out loud, beautifully written birth story.

Well done to you and BF, BF's DH and your DH, sounds like it was a team effort.

congratulations

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Stayin sane

DD1 16
DD2 6
DS 5