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DDs are seeing very little of my mother in recent months, due to her drinking thats just spiralled out of control really. A few times we have made arrangements only to have to cancel at the last minute as she isnt in a fit state to see the girls. DD1 in particular is asking questions, upset obviously and it's heartbreaking.

I know there are lots of MMs who's children see very little of their grandparents for a variety of reasons. How do you handle it? Do the children ask or wonder? Does it get trickier as they get older?

Could you try not telling her advance that she is going to see Nana, or that Nana is coming ?

Just let it be a rare, wonderful treat when it does happen.

Has she ever been around your mother when your mother was drunk/had been drinking ?

If she has or is pushing for more explanation, would you tell her that Nana is not too well a lot of the time, and let her know that you are sad too that you don't see Nana as much but that Nana needs to spend lots of time working on getting better.

Interested in replies here...my kids have seen very little of DH's father in recent times and might never see him again (but that's for another thread )

To be honest, it's different in this house because the kids never mention him. Ever. It's probably because their other 3 Grandparents are so involved, etc...But I know the questions will come...

hmm this has begun to raise its head here too
DH's dad is deceased and DS can handle that and seems to understand
my parents are divorced and i have no contact with my dad - that's harder to explain to a 4yo.

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can't figure out how to change my ticker but i'm 2 kg down. woo hoo. slow but steady.

I'm also interested in replies.

My 3 don't see dh's parents at all, due to things they have done or said.

DD1 is 7 and probably the only one that remembers them properly. Ds is 5 and doesn't remember them. Dd2 has never met them. That's the way it is going to stay until they are old enough to decide for themselves if they would like to be in contact with them.

Like Snoozer, they never mention them or ask after them. Never. If I think about it I find it sad, but then I think they must not have made much of an impact on their short lives. The in laws did not make much of an effort to come and see them anyway, even when we were in contact.

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as a child i was told that my grandfather was dead when i asked my granny where he was (he had left my grandmother) but then he came back on the scene when i was around 7 and i just accepted it. i didn't get it for years why my parents used to call him "Lazarus".
What did stick with me though was my parents always argued when it came around the time to visit and i came to equate it with being a bad thing. looking back i suppose my dad was on edge about visiting and my mother just had no time for them. i remember asking why they didn't like visiting and my mother told me the story and that she felt wronged by my dad's parents also and the reasons why, really far too much to burden a child with tbh.
i do think it is worth keeping up the connection for your children's sake but when you know your mother will be sober as it would just be upsetting otherwise for you and your kids. i don't think there is a need to "explain" the lack of visiting until you come to that bridge.

Thanks for the replies girls, its sad to see so many of us are in similar situations, for varying reasons.

Husha Husha, thank you for those suggestions, I think I will just say nothing in future until we are on her doorstep and it will be a nice surprise. Your wording of an explanation is nice too, thanks again.

Catchyusername, I am very careful not to even talk about her problems around DDs as DD1 especially listens to everything, and she adores her nanny and I always said I would do everything in my power to maintain their relationship. They have never been around her when she is drinking thankfully, I hope to always shield them from that.

Thanks again girls, Ill try and take my lead from the girls and answer as age appropriately as I can.

i'd love to know how to explain it too. In the op's case the grandparent isn't actually absent, the visits are infrequent so it can be explained that Nana's not well a lot of the time so we can't go to see her as much as we'd like. But in dd's case, she has two living grandfathers that she has never met and will never be in contact with. It's fairly definite that neither grandfather will EVER get near our daughter but pretending they're dead isn't an option either.

Has anyone else got an absent grandparent that is still alive but their children have never met? What do we say when she says "who's my grandad?". her cousins all have one grandad on the other side so they haven't noticed that they've only one, but she won't have any grandad, so she may well ask sooner when someone/some cartoon mentions grandads where hers is

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I think it's easier to just say that she's not well.

I know quite a few children that have nothing to do with a grandparent and reckon it's common enough.

My own lads haven't seen my mother since my Dad's funeral nearly 9 years ago and they've no interest in having anything to do with her. Fortunately we live the other side of the country so it's not an issue. My mother is a nasty manipulative shit-stirring bitch and DS1 in particular hates her. They see their paternal grandparents about once a week and although my inlaws had sod all interest in the boys when they were younger they changed their ways and are good with them now.

Have been watching this with interest myself as in future will have this issue myself. Ds has no father so no grandparents around from that side and on mine there is just really my mum as my dad lives abroad.

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I'll never be a good example, so I might as well be a fabulous warning

My kids hardly see dps parents at all. ds1 never asks & ds2 is too young yet

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Proud mammy to 2 wonderful boys
ds1 is 6
ds2 is 23mths

Ds1 asks why we rarely see his grandmother and I'm always at a loss a to how to explain that she just isnt bothered enough to ever visit. She's been in my home 3 times since he was born. We visit her about twice a year so he knows she's not sick or dead. It has only become an issue recently as his friends nana seems to visit once a week now.