MagicMum.com

Fine - make a stable and happy marriage. Just not with this bloke. He is bad news.

You may have your best years invested in this relationship but it's time to make a withdrawal and take you and the kids out of that toxic space. It doesn't show a great example to them on how men should be allowed to treat women and how women expect to be treated.

Hypothetical situation:
If one of your kids was married and had kids and they came to you telling you that their husband had strayed and they didn't know what to do about what advice would you give them? Would you honestly suggest that they stay with someone who could do that to them or would you give them the love and support they needed to make the decision and realise that there is a better world out there for them without that person in their lives?

Meh, if the OP wants to go back to her husband let her, just leave this girl out of it... She didn't put a gun to your husbands head and force him to bring her out, he done that off his own bat, why should she leave her job because she fancied someone and went on a couple of dates with them, married/separated/divorced or single, your husband cheated on you, she didn't try to steal him away.

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Three little Princesses - Addison - 4, Saoirse - 3 and Ellen - 1!

Twitter - @adrieanne

I know you can't see this and I am really sorry for what you must be going through but by you even saying to him that you want the girl to leave work you are telling him that he doesn't have to take the full blame for this affair and he does. Whatever you do stay together or not, he should be acknowledging that this was his fault and no one else's. Yes it takes two to tango but he is your husband, she owes you nothing and tbh if he was telling her you both were separated etc why wouldn't she go ahead and go out with him.

Stop thinking about this woman who imo is totally blameless and start thinking about what you deserve in this marriage and could you ever trust this man again.

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I am sorry that you feel that you got harsh responses but I dont know what you expected us to say?

That girl is not to blame, your DH is, you cant or wont see that and nothing will change until you do. Unfortunately I dont see this ending happily for you as he will do it again and again and again, it might be the office girl, it could your neighbour, the girl in the supermarket next time but he will do it again. You have your head in the clouds girl, I think that you do love him, I dont think he loves you though, if he did he wouldnt do this.

You are definitely focussing the blame and anger on the wrong person, He will continue to make a fool out of you.

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+1 from me on this

Um, I have experience of it! 5 months into my marriage I found out he had shagged someone else on his stags. The only reason I blamed both of them was because she was at my hens and still came to the wedding knowing what she had done.
I never blamed the girl he impregnated after I forgave him for the first bout of cheating - even though she now has a child for him. What i did do was become pro-active about MY life and what is right for ME cos nobody else is going to look out for you, you have to do this yourself. I got rid of him out the house, applied for divorce and have honestly never been happier in my entire life.

+ 1

edited as I thought better of it.

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The other boss is 4 (can't figure out the lilypie code things). I wasn't always this thick.

Time wounds all heels - John Lennon

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you {especially littlemisschatty} who replied again after my last post. I know I asked the question and you all gave honest answers and not deliberately trying to make me feel worse.
I do see what you're saying - I know HE is to blame for all of it. It doesn't help when there are women out there who do behave in a predetory fashion with men who are already in a relationship though. That said, if a Man truely loves you well that shouldn't matter anyway i guess.
I know that I'm utterly miserable but the alternative is going to be just a miserable for me a while but very traumatic for our children forever maybe. I saw how he carried on when he was out of the house and it caused my two so much unhappiness.
There is no solution to this that's my problem.
We've been to counselling together and separately.The counselling only made it clear to me that I am trapped.He is making my life hell with him and if he goes he will make life hell ever then. When we were separated he withheld money and tried to manipulate the children against me. He told his family and friends lies about me etc..the list goes on.
I've said to him I want him to have ask his family to come over so that he will come clean about exactly what he's been up to over the last few years but he has dragged his feet. He still can't find his wedding band but hasn't even tried to replaced it.
What has he done for me lately ? not a great deal.
The reason I logged on was because he went out earlier in to town for a dinner but isn't where he said he'd be and {yes I checked..that's my life now..so sad isn't it} I've phoned and texted a couple of times but no reply. He may come home or may not. If he does come home he will tell me his phone went dead and didn't see my calls blah blah.
One of my biggest problems is that I know when he's lying. I'm very good at reading people and he's not a great lier. I was going to confront him before he went out but I'm dying of the flu and couldn't summon the strength. So I let him go. Knowing it was another lie.
I put our children to bed and had some tea to calm myself before I made the call to check.
Everytime this kind of thing happens it makes me feel like the very first time I found out he was being unfaithful.My hands become sweaty and my stomach turns so much I eventually get sick.I explained that to my GP and she said it sounded like PTS. So that's great he has succeeded in making me a basket case too. You all said I can't see the situation for what it is because I love him , yes you're partially right. I love the the man I married not this man and I can't get my head around the fact I didn't see him for what he seems to really be now.
It's just a living nightmare. I want it to end I'm so tired of it all.

Agree with watcha. I know its hard but i'd rather be miserable without him to be honest and let him make my life hell while not actually in it. Give yourself a fighting chance at some peace of mind and happiness.

Do you not think your children will be worse off growing up in an environment where you are completely miserable and where your husband has no reespect for you or your marriage.

I watched a friend take her husband back time and time and time again and it completely destroyed her. She never left him, he eventually left her but years later she completely regretted how much of her life she wasted on him. He made her life miserable for years even thought he was the one who was continuously cheated on her. But eventually everyone saw through him, the courts took her side and he ended up with virtually nothing.

I would rather be miserable on my own than to be with someone like him. I remember your original post and it sounds as if your husband isn't going to change. Why put yourself and your kids through this again and again?

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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe

I agree and at the end of the day, respecting yourself and your children respecting you (which won't come now but will when they are older) will be well worth it.
Learn to love yourself, your children always will but having their love AND respect will be the icing on the cake - they will probably always love him too but will not think highly of him at all due to having no respect for him.
I wish you strength in dealing with this.

FB, I am so sorry that this man has done this to you. I know you said he made your life miserable when he was gone, but to me it looks like this leopard hasn't changed his spots. He will continue to emotionally abuse you. You have said yourself that he has turned you into a basket case. Don't let what he tells others bug you, YOU know the truth, and I am sure that others will see through his lies. By law he has to pay something to look after his children, he can't leave you homeless. I have no idea about how you move on from here. I do know though that you need to put yourself first, forget the history, think of the future. You are young now and strong and fit, don't let that slide past you. There are women on here that have been through this and will help you and chat to you.

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My heart goes out to you. I know what you are feeling. But you seriously need to think of YOU for a change. You can't live like this. You deserve better. U deserve to be with someone who loves you. He doesn't deserve you.

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DS1 6/1/01
DD 19/2/06
DS2 10/5/09

Sleep Well Daddy. Love you xx

Agree with the girls - this will never change. You need to be strong for children and split from this man. He is showing you and the marriage no respect - is that the example you want your children to have?

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My Snow White, 6
My little Tinkerbelle, 3

Do you have family you can confide in? You need to speak to someone IRL who will listen to you and give you the support you need.

He sounds like a prize asshole, you deserve better.

Fb. You sound so miserable in your marriage, give yourself a chance to be happy. Throw your gobshite of a husband out and work on YOU!!

my parents were the same as you are now I'm in my 30's now and the guilt, anger and sadness I feel for my mother is horrific as she is still so miserable and doing nothing to change it.
Trust me; a child just wants to see their parents happy. Yes it might be awful for a while and you may all have a tough few yrs...but please don't make it a lifetime of misery.

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"A woman is like a teabag. Only when in hot water do you realize how strong she is."-Nancy Reagan

If you choose not to tackle this, you will be choosing to let your children grow up with a very warped view on how people should be treated. Your children will remember your misery and will resent the fact that you never found the strength to stand up for yourself.

You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to walk with your head held high. You deserve to be an inspiration to your children. You deserve to be happy, REALLY happy.


You talk abut the trauma it will inflict on your children,but the bigger picture is that by staying with him, it will have far greater emotional impact on them.

Take a moment to remember the person you were before he wore you down. THATS who you need to be fighting for.

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This is the most delusional thing I've read in a longtime

If you think your marriage is worth working at then that is your decision but you really need to be clear in your head first about who has been at fault in all of this, be able to accept that and move on. The "other woman" is irrelevant.

Are you married to my ex husband because they seem to have a lot in commen . I have lived through this and believe me it is soul destroying and it makes you feel worthless and like you will never have a life and therefore what you have is better than the alternative . He will eventually leave you for one of these women be it now or 2 years down the road and believe me you will be worse off then for believing his lies and trying to make it work

You accused others of not understanding or being through the same well I replied to you and I have been there . 3 affairs which I took him back after the first 2 but the exact same lines and lies you are getting now . When I found out about the third I knew it was the end and I came on here on mm expecting them all to say here we go again and not be bothered . But I received great support and only for that support at the time I don't know how I would have coped . I did suffer with stress and panic attacks and 6 months after he left ended up very Ill with post traumatic stress etc

But here I am over one a a half years on . It has not been easy but my life is so much better and I am a different person to the one that was married and treated like a piece of dirt . I have changed my life around both mentally and physically and some people say they don't recgognise me as the same person anymore . That's because I am not that person I am the person before my abusive and controlling marriage who has gained back all of that control and I am so much stronger for it . My kids are a 1000 times better off I can tell you growing up in that environment would have been detrimental in a huge way . I wanted to break the cycle so that they knew this was not normal

I was convinced there was never going to be a life for me after dh well that is not the case and I have had dates and offers and I get out there and have fun . I realise that I am a attractive and intelligent person and that there is plenty waiting out there if I want it. I am seeing someone the last 2 months vey casual and that's how it will remain . No introductions to kids etc but it's nice to have male company and we hit it off on a personality level . He has his place and life and I have mine so just meeting up a few times a week works . My life was not over just beginning so there is hope and a life after separation

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As you can see, there is life after the storm!
Get yourself together and be strong - you don't need him
your children don't need him