MagicMum.com

Morning Ladies,

really need your help..

myself and Dp together over 8yrs - he has an 8yr old..
he knows ive not wanted to have babies.. long term suffer depression/long story

we have a great relationship - now he has dropped a bomb on me
he wants to start a family or its game over..

im an awful worrier, things are brutal financially (like most, i know) i cant really put my finger on WHY i dont want my own baby - suppose im a bit selfish, love my freedom, my own money ect..& my friends keep saying, dont do it!!! there are plenty of couples i know who dont have to have children.

what im asking is, have any of you, not wanted children, then had them/one to suit your partner as such - and you loved it in the end..
???

dont know what to do...

Have no experience of this. However I would be concerned that he is giving you an ultimatum on this and would urge you not to do anything you do not want to do. At the end of the day you could have the baby and he could feck off anyway leaving you holding the baby. A baby is a life changing experience and is with you for life. Yes relationships are about give and take but that works both ways and if you have legitimate concerns about your health etc then he has no right to try to dictate.

edited - not really relevant to the post

_________________
If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, ' thank you,' that would suffice.

Not quite the same but I never wanted kids. DH knew this from the off and although he did, it didn't seem to be a deal-breaker for him. When we married I insisted on having the 'bless any children' bit of the ceremony removed as it was not part of the deal (obviously not married in a Catholic church ). On honeymoon I did a complete u-turn (after over 10 years of being positive I did not want kids) and now I cannot imagine life with out my two beautiful babies.

Thanks so much ! sound advice love reading your stories..

i dont think dp realises how much is involved in a baba - in so many ways its hugh!

i just am too scared to take such a big step... i cant make a decision...

This sounds simplistic but I'll say it. One baby is different to three. Maybe you could manage one quite nicely. Most people in Ireland have 2-3 babies and you hear stories of stress and all that in the chaotic few years with small children as many people have them close together - there's no denying it, that's intense, self sacrificing etc. But one baby would be hard work for a couple of years, there's no way around that as they have a lot of needs but there are a lot of fantastic moments and who's to say it'll be as hard as some people find it either? There are lots of easy going, sleeper babies out there too.

And in a blink of an eye a little 4 year old is looking back at you saying 'you look lovely today Mammy' and the like It's not all easy from that age on but the hard part is over (I think, but I'm only 6 years in ) but some late evening mania and the odd tough day, I've found from 4 on a total joy. And having a 6 year old, for me - fantastic. I just adore his company, our little chats, doing things together, his curiosity about the world. He called me to come into his room after I'd turned the light out last night as he couldn't get to sleep wondering how many people there are in the world. I said 7 billion and he said 'that's ridiculous, are you serious. There must be people covering everywhere'.

Ok, I'll stop rambling. Just thought I'd share my thoughts on it, it can be a very rewarding journey even if you are hesitant to begin. Good luck with your decision. I can understand your partner wanting a child being very important to him, it's hard for both of you.

_________________
DS1 - 7 --- DS2 - 4 ---DS3 - 9mths

Not me personally, but I know of two such women... Both were hugely adamant that they didn't want kids... No way, no how. But, they both had one "for their partner" and both love their kids unconditionally now and wouldn't be without them .

_________________
Keep your heels, head and standards high

Hi anon32, I know where you're coming from. I've been with my DH for 14 years (married 6) and for the first 13 of those we were adamant we never wanted children. I changed my mind last year but DH still didn't want to have a baby. I didn't give an ultimatum, I had changed the goal posts not him. I married him agreeing to a certain future and now I wanted something different. However, I could see we had a good life and loved him so much. I wanted to be his wife more than I wanted to be a mother so I didn't push it and I set myself to accepting that I probably wouldn't have children. He on the other hand wanted to make me happy whether or not he wanted to have children and eventually he began to relent. I was worried that his heart wasn't in it but as we go through the journey to get pregnant (which has gone on now since August and involved 2 miscarriages) he 100% wants us to have a family and here's hoping it will happen.

So I understand loving your life as it is and not wanting children, I also understand changing your mind and having the need to have a child.

I think though your dp is being unfair by saying it's game over if you won't have a child. He needs to give you time to digest the possibility of having children. Have a look at your reasons for not wanting children and maybe you could find they are out of fear rather than anything else. I know my reasons were fear of not doing a good job. I changed my mind because I realised how important family is, I love been with my family or my DH's family. I realised that no car our handbag or dinner out could come close to the level of satisfaction and reward that being a mother could bring (along with all the hard word and lack of sleep).

You probably just have to decide what you want more a life without children or a life without your DP. I make it sound easy and flippant but believe me I realise how tough that is. We spent a sleepless week talking over this issue for hours back and forth.

_________________
Our rainbow baby has arrived!

I was with a guy I really loved for nearly 5 yrs but he was adamant he was never having kids. I knew for sure I did. His main reason for not wanting kids was he suffered from severe and I mean really severe depression. I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life to break up with him over it. Roll on 2 yrs and I'm married to my dh (ex was photographer at our wedding), he stayed my best friend. Unfortunalty the depression beat him in the end and he took hid own life. I think deep down he knew some day that he would do that so that's why he didn't want kids. Also he always said he didn't want to pass on depression to a child.

_________________

lovely post, thank you so much for that x

im sorry to hear this, poor guy.. i said to dp it would be easier to end my life than make this decision, cannot imagin my life without my dp..

Just to ask anon32, did your DP have a child with someone else during your relationship together ? His child is 8 and you and him are together over 8 years.

He now wants a baby or he is leaving the relationship, and he knows you don't want a baby.

I would be inclined to tell him no. No baby. Its not what you want. If he goes, let him go. Neither of you will be happy doing something that you do not want to do, and there will be resentment sooner or later. A baby will change your life. This new person you have will be in your life until you, or your child dies. Not just up to 18 years of age. For your life. If you do not want to be a mother, I would tell him no.

I know one couple, the husband wanted a child and the wife didn't. She had a baby to save her marriage. A girl, a lovely beautiful child. When the child was three, the parents separated. The baby did not save the relationship. Both people have to want to have the child together.

Maybe technically not the same but I have always been 'sure' I did not want children. I got pregnant completely by accident and as I could not go through with an abortion, I had no choice but to have my ds. Sometimes I look and him and cry, thinking how he may never have been born and never existed. It breaks my heart to think I once almost 'got rid' of him. He is the the biggest achievement and best decision I have ever made in my life and I am delighted that having him, even though I was scared and unsure, has been so rewarding. The only thing that worries me is his ultimatum. It is a nasty way to get what he wants.

_________________
I'll never be a good example, so I might as well be a fabulous warning

I told my now husband that I would never have kids with him
I've never been 'in to' kids never coochy cooed or any of that mullarkey
loved my lifestyle of Party & travel BUT
I now have one of each, a boy and a girl, and I can honestly say it is the best thing I have ever done.
When they say you can't explain the feeling, it it's true you can't, it has been the most amazing time of my life
and I love every bit of it.
There will never be a right time and you will never be able to afford to have a child (on paper) , but if there is any inkling you are not totally adverse to having a child then I would reconsider.
Could you talk to a counsellor about your fears with depression etc.
Either way tell him to put the gun down from your head 'til you get your head straight

_________________
It's going to be a good day

I start from a very strongly held belief that no-one should ever have a child that they do not want. And that no child who is unwanted should be produced in the hope that it will salvage a relationship. The decision to have a child is the single most life-changing, permanent decision a person can ever make. Regardless of how rewarding it may be, it is also imo the most difficult thing that you can ever take on. A child changes everything.

I fundamentally disagree with the notion that one child might be an easy option. Read the number of threads where people talk about the fact that it was their first child that was the biggest adjustment (not the second or third). Your life will never be the same with a child. For some that is a positive, for others a negative.

All that comes before how I'd view my partner taking something that important, that life-changing and attempting use it as a form a blackmail. If he wants a child more than he wants you, maybe that tells you something important that you need to know about your relationship.

_________________
Mum to three summer babies ... 2000, 2005, 2008.

Maybe he is not using it as blackmail... maybe he is just being honest and open and telling his partner how he feels. He can't help the way he feels about this issue, no more than the OP can help the way she feels about it.
Feelings are feelings and are very personal, and if he has now realised that he can no longer live his life without at least the possibility of children, then it is only right and proper that he should articulate this realisation to his partner rather than continuing in silence and holding that feeling inside.

Maybe it IS a deal breaker to him ... that he cannot continue with a relationship where the possibility of children are ruled out.
I'm sure that if he truly loves the OP and has the good relationship with her that she refers to, that he didn't come to this decision lightly.

And, one could also turn around your last sentence to say that if the OP decides that she wants a childless life more than she wants her husband, then that says a lot about her feelings too.

OP - this is a truly difficult decision for you both to sort out - hope ye come to a decision that you can both be happy with.

_________________
Keep your heels, head and standards high

It's such a tough one. I have a friend in the the opposite situation now, she wants kids but her boyfriend has told her her never wants them. She wants to stay with him, says she wants him more than she wants kids, which is fair enough but I think she is making a mistake cause I think she is banking on him changing his mind and if he doesn't she will wake up one morning and it will be too late for her and she wil really resent him for it ( I think)
Sorry I'm no help

anon32, you are in a very difficult position, and while the advice and stories here are worth listening to, only you can make a decision with regard to having a child. Saying that, you are with your dp for 8years and any decision should really be made by both of you together. Does he really know that you do not want children? Does he understand why? Maybe if he can try to understand why you don't want children, and if you can understand why he really does, then you might come to some solution.

Here's my bit!!: I never wanted children. I had a lot of other things going on in my life. I loved my life and what I did. I was never maternal in any way, and had no interest in children at all. dh always wanted children, lots of them. It was always a bone of contention between us, but tbh I just kept putting dh off, saying 'maybe' but really saying 'no' in my mind (dishonest, I know).

After being married 6-7years, I came around to the idea of 'maybe'. I don't know what happened to 'change' my mind, I just wasn't as opposed to the idea. I never felt like my clock was ticking, never felt a longing to be a mother, but we said we'd give it a go.... and ds1 came along I know its a cliche but life has never been the same! The irony is, dh realised how much work was involved in a baby, and would have quite happily stopped at one, but I couldnt wait to have another... and ds2 came along More ironically, I would quite happily have had another, but dh really didnt want to, so we made a decision together that 2 was plenty.

I absolutely adore my children, but still have no interest in children (other people's!!) in general if that makes sense!!

Good luck with your decision, talk with your dp.

_________________

Maybe it isn't blackmail. That was my interpretation of how the OP described it: have a child with me or we're done. To me that's secondary to my view that if you do not want a child you should not have one. For any reason, including the hope that it will save a relationship, or give it a future.

And yes, if the OP wants a child less than she wants him then that also tells her something about their relationship. To me if they don't feel the same about having a child, or feel so strongly that neither of them can compromise then what it says about their relationship is pretty clear.

I would absolutely agree that if it is something either party feels very strongly about that it can be a deal-breaker and neither parties feelings about it can be ignored. I'm not denigrating his feelings. Or hers.

I don't think we disagree on anything except my interpretation of the OP's partner's position as blackmail.

_________________
Mum to three summer babies ... 2000, 2005, 2008.

I don't think it's blackmail, I think it's just putting his cards on the table. I don't think there is anything wrong with ending a relationship if having kids is important to you, nor is there anything wrong with agreeing to not have a child in order to stay with someone. I suppose it's just a matter of working out what's most important to you, tough though, as there isn't really any compromise to be had.

I'll be honest and say I don't like children. Never really warmed to the little monsters and was pretty sure I would never have any of my own. DH & bought a house, got married, moved abroad and never at any point did either of us consider reproducing.

When I turned 35 I got this nagging worry that I might one day regret not having kids. I knew I didn't really want them but equally I couldn't say that I would never want them. So DH & I decided that while we wouldn't actively try for a baby, we would see what happened.... What happened is that two weeks later I was staring incredulously at a BFP and wondering what the hell I was letting myself in for.

Six years on I have a beautiful daughter and gorgeous son for whom I would lay down my life. I cannot imagine how empty my life would have been without them. I still don't really like kids but feel blessed every single day by the two little people in my life.

I know my experience isn't the same as yours in that there was no ultimatum about having kids but I can honestly say that I have gone from being a 'no-kids-no-way' kind of person to thanking my lucky stars on a daily basis that I took the chance to see 'what if'.

This, exactly.

I don't see it as wrong at all - I'd be exactly the same in his position. If having kids is a dealbreaker for him, then it's only fair for him to let you know where he stands.

FWIW, DD was completely unplanned and while I'd always planned on having kids at some point, I wasn't ready for her. I love her to pieces and would do anything for her, but it's been a long, hard road and the selfish part of me often feels restricted. I'd wonder about how wise it would be to get pregnant on purpose, if your heart wasn't really in it. Whatever you decide, do it because it's what you truly want and not out of panic either way.

_________________

I don't think it is blackmail in any way shape or form for someone to lay the cards on the table as to how they feel about a big fundamental issue like children. And I don't think it is an ultimatum either. Something like children can be deal breakers in relationships. I don't think he is selfish or engaging in blackmail to say that children need to be part of the landscape or he doesn't see a future for their relationship. Blunt and honest yes, direct yes, open yes, but blackmail no.

It is a tough decision and I agree you need to want a child yourself. I wish you peace in whatever decision you make.

But there is no compromise in this situation? And I wouldn't agree that just because they feel differently about having children means there is a bigger problem in their relationship.

I agree that it is fair enough for him to put his cards on the table. If he knows now that he will not be happy if he doesn't have the opportunity to have children then I think it is only right that he has told the OP now.