If two-year-olds had diaries... THIS is what they'd write about

Ever wonder what goes on in your toddler's head?

Do you question what makes them do particular things… like smell your nose, poke your eyeballs or put stickers on your face while you sleep? 

Well, this Diary of a Two-year-old will help to answer some of your biggest questions (and make you go "ah, right!"). 

Written by comedian Emma Doran, it's definitely an eye-opener! 

2am: Woke up with nothing to do so decided to have a massive cry to get someone’s attention

2.01am: Finally got into Mammy and Daddy’s bed. No one seemed to be up for playing so I decided to start kicking the blankets off

2.04am: Always wondered what was inside my Mammy’s nose, so no time like the presence to get to the bottom of it. Literally.

3.30am: Everyone seemed to be wide awake so thought it was the perfect time for a nap.

7.45am: Woken up by Mammy drying her hair. Bit rude.

8am: Mammy started peeling an orange for me.

8am: Mammy was still peeling the orange. What is taking so long? I was left with no choice but to start screaming.

8.02am: Was really looking forward to the orange but at the last minute decided to throw it on the floor. I immediately regretted this and started to cry.

8.03am: Got some toast. Ate some. Mashed the rest into my jeans.

10am: Mammy put me in the car. I didn’t want to be in the car… so, I would not let Mammy strap me in.

10.01am: I love being in the car and listening to music. This is great craic – who doesn’t like the car?

11am: Saw a display of Cadbury Crème Eggs in the shop. Managed to open theree and bite into two. Mammy said she’d regret not putting me in the buggy so I didn’t want to disappoint her.

11.45am: Did a poo. Mammy had to change me on her lap in the cubicle. I managed to shove a good bit of toilet roll into my mouth.

Noon: Mammy took the tissue out of my mouth and I let her have a piece of my mind, I can tell you.

1pm: I HATE THE CAR. I never want to be in the car EVER AGAIN.

1.10pm: A funny man waved at me in the car. It was funny. I love the car.

1.30pm: We had pasta. It was nice so I wanted the dogs to taste it.

2pm: I love my brother. We are best friends.

2.01pm: I hate my brother and Mammy should only look at me at all times.

3pm: My big sister gave me some chocolate. I decided to follow her until it is gone, and pretty much for the rest of the day just in case anything else materialised.

3.30pm: At the end of Peppa Pig they all fell over and laughed. Hilarious – who comes up with this stuff?

4.15pm: Got my hands on an apple. Took one bite and threw it behind the couch.

5pm: DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY.

5.05pm: DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY.

5.06pm: Mammy went to the toilet and locked the door. I have never been so distraught.

6.46pm: Bath Time. YES!! Every time we have a bath we seem to go to bed afterwards, but not this time. This time will be different.  

7.15pm: The unthinkable has happened. Even after my protests I now find myself in my cot.

7.20pm: If they think I’m going asleep they can think again.

7.22pm: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Emma Doran is a comedian who has performed at some of the country’s best and biggest venues like Vicar St and the Olympia Theatre. She is regularly on Republic of Telly and appeared on Al Porter's Christmas special on RTÉ 2.